Saturday, May 24, 2014

I was feeling annoyed about the resistance and lack of funds for this kind of research. There was a show on last night about kids with OCD and when their brains were mapped the doctors could see exactly where the disorder was. They took the information to create therapy to increase the plasticity of the brain and begin to get it to a more normal make up. Pinpointing the origin of the problem in the brain gives scientists and doctors the information they need to find new treatments and even cures.

Biomedicine News

Why Obama’s Brain-Mapping Project Matters

Obama calls for $100 million to develop new technologies to understand the brain.
By Susan Young Rojahn on April 8, 2013

Why It Matters

Scientists need new technologies to understand how the activity of millions of neurons contributes to complex brain functions.
Last week, President Obama officially announced $100 million in funding for arguably the most ambitious neuroscience initiative ever proposed.
The Brain Research through Advancing Innovative Neurotechnologies, or BRAIN, as the project is now called, aims to reconstruct the activity of every single neuron as they fire simultaneously in different brain circuits, or perhaps even whole brains.

My reference to western medicine was convoluted. My brain was somehow mixing somatic research with brain mapping.
Somatic Psychology (body mind psychotherapy, body-oriented
psychotherapy, etc.) is a holistic form of therapy that respects and utilizes the powerful connection between body, mind and spirit. How we are in this world, how we relate to ourselves and others, is not just purely about the mind or our thoughts, but is also deeply rooted in our bodies and our spirits. Unlike traditional talk therapy or cognitive therapy, Somatic Psychology tends to be more experiential.

Eastern medicine somatic therapy practices have existed for centuries. I don’t know when the word somatic became a word that could used to describe traditional chinese body mapping.

So why all this frustration from me? Well I don’t think it’s a secret that I have been battling mental health issues most of my life. I’ve sought help throughout the years and I came to know what I needed before anyone practicing therapy and psychiatry accepted.

I currently have a condition called adrenal fatigue. It is not accepted as a condition by most western medicine doctors. I was in debilitating pain. I could barely move. I started think I had fibromyalgia except my pain was centralized in my mid to lower right back and radiated from that spot.  

My doctor referred me to a neurologist. He had me go through five MRI’s, one CT Scan and two xrays. He found nothing. (Which gives me peace of mind that I don’t have anything growing in me - cancer). His diagnosis was it was in my head. He said he didn’t mean that as in he thought I was lying, he said it in a this was a mental health condition and that he couldn’t help me with that. Turns out he was almost correct.

I went to acupuncture every week and relied on Tramadol to function. It worked just barely. Then a friend recommended a chiropractor that had a holistic practice. She is well versed in the Chinese approach to physiology. I had just gone through three of the most difficult years of my life. The minute I started to come out on the other side and actually feel clear and happy, my body crashed. All the mental stress had wreaked havoc on my adrenal glands and really just about every organ in my body.

She started my on supplements and gave me pressure point exercises to do on my own. Within a week I went from a 10 in pain to a 5. Six months or more later I’m almost pain free. I have episodes in times of increased stress.

Now onto brain mapping. I have wanted to have my brain mapped for at least 15 years. I have Complex PTSD, meaning I’ve had multiple traumatic experiences in my life. Some day there will be a book about that if I can handle revisiting each one in depth. My frustration with western medicine is the resistance to even consider PTSD a disorder. Women have been diagnosed with hysteria for years when in truth they probably had been abused, raped or any other number of hideous events. The Vietnam Vets legitimized PTSD, opening up a whole new way to treat mental illnesses. During my lifetime depression has been taboo. My own mother made me see a priest before she agreed to let me see a psychiatrist when I was about 19. My first psychiatrist diagnosed me as naive. Yes naive.
Fast forward to now. I am on a soothing cocktail of meds. I continue to practice awareness and to let my body talk to me as well as my brain. They work together and I listen.

I believe the technology of brain mapping could help my doctors and myself know what parts of my brain need plasticity exercises. I could go on.

Disclaimer: this is my personal understanding of what I am thinking. Nothing in this blog is asolute.
I know that I am learning. I hope you know you are learning too, I reserve the right to change the content of this blog after serious proofing and self-examination.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

For some reason I have been experiencing more panic attacks. I just want to be the best I can be. I have to forgive myself for my failings and keep pushing forward. Breathe. Fear is so stupid. If I fail I will learn, it scares me still. I'm not trying to be perfect. I want to be good - really good at what I do. Just writing this made me feel so much better. Releasing that tension somehow. saying it. Letting go. I can do this.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

An elephant eye makes it's debut
through the jungle through and through
Fossils swirls with body impressions
Lava so hot it blurs
Frozen perfection still life green
Threaten me with heat and pain
An open mind cures
by by choosing free
And freedom opens up the realm of gain
I can't resist the refrain
Of "more of the same,"

Friday, March 28, 2014

New Moon
Life in turmoil
Life in perfect harmony
flippant splatters of random hatred
and random ambivelance
and random love
 spirited flight

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Full Moon
She is not a nice moon
other planets have moons
our moon has an aqueous
our bodies are influenced
aware or not 
our behavior changes

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Which do you like more? 1 or 2?

The frequency is on the bottom right
some hieroglyphics appear above
emotional washes dilute whatever is meant
The optimism of the entire left side is sensational
Not in the grand sense
just a feeling
but not
It touches
It says something
vague and reminiscent
water or something icky
It's just that beautiful bleary memory
marrying all sides in captivity
one personality

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The beginning is
the beginning
this is the beginning
wonder what will happen
this is now
a drawing with OCD overtones
I want to tell you about the times
I can't stop drawing the same thing
It's an obseesion
Not meant to make a difference
only for me to release a strange fixation
The beginning is my hand
It's my compulsive
expression of repetition
we do what we do again
but without the idiosyncrasy of my hand
it WOULD be the same
but it's not
we are not
the same
we can 
do better
the beginning is
just that 

Monday, March 24, 2014

Dreamscape Heaven
my universe
I feel like laughing to the point of peeing my pants
this odd bright opportunity
clean fresh unlimited hope
go forward
we have a pool to spin in
swirl vision
dreamscape heaven

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Dance In Silence

Dance In Silence

Dance In Silence
Move with or without a partner
move to the sounds that can be glorious
move to the sounds that are sad
move to your own emotions
day and night
move to your drum, bass and home
Discover your melody haunting your soul
Happy, joyous, melancholy and quite morose.
Dance to your own voices.
Dance to your choices
Lay flat and stare at the sky
Imagine what you want to do now.
And dance again and again and again.

At What Time Did I Dream?

At what time did I dream that I had created the most amazing rooftop garden in the city? 
At what time did I dream I cleaned your room and organized everything to the most aesthetically and brilliant perfection that you couldn’t believe it was yours? 
At what time did I dream I scrubbed every inch of some random restaurant to clinically safe standards?  
At what time did I dream I helped advance your career at my expense? 
At what time did I dream I saved the earth from ultimate extinction?   

Who says it was a dream?

Saturday, March 22, 2014

not that easy ….is it?
My heart is uncomfortable
not because I worry what people think
cause of a hairdo
but because of what I feel
stupid pain . bad pain
What can I do?
take a back seat
poetry is next.
My art is for sale as at anytime

Friday, March 21, 2014


Pale face full of grace
believing in hatred’s pace
to leave clues
No child
believes in this christening
of doctrine imposed
until the world is twisted
by mean spirited fucks
in a church
and you believe in God.


I'm as raw as a bone subject to egestion. 
Every usable morsel of nourishment extracted. 
Only fragments subject to expulsion
by ugly, painful bowel flushstration 
Floating to continue a journey to 
another mode of decomposition by chemical destruction. 
Making one life sustenance for one animal 
carnivore; a fact of life and
a powerful pollutant.

Soldiers of Bliss

Only tonight I thought
Only tonight I felt this transcendent pain

A yearning and belief in more than we are

Our power scratchily out of reach
Like being buried alive
Digging out the atmosphere inside
To somehow emerge with a comforting knowledge
that will never exist
We are soldiers of our own bliss